TBD or, BTW

nos·tal·gia/näˈstaljə/

Noun:

1. A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
2. The evocation of these feelings or tendencies, esp. in commercialized form.

To be nostalgic usually requires one to have a feeling, person, or place to be nostalgic for, but it’s often that I find myself overwhelmed by nostalgia for time, a scene, a reality that I have never had and probably never will. There are few things in my life that truly move me and when I find those things I have to try extremely hard not to take them for granted – on the other hand there are no shortage of things I find moving as long as they don’t involve me: books, movies, and music especially can highly influence feelings of longing, wistfulness, nostalgia.

I really feel sorry for anyone who takes a long term interest in me as I am about ninety-percent sure I’m batshit crazy. There will always be cravings for the unattainable, a driving desire for the drama needed to fuel creativity, and a sadness that is permanently rooted to my core. I am a walking contradiction, perpetually undecided and indecisive, a perfectionist with no self-worth. I am the worst kind of self-destruction and the best kind of love.

I started this entry to prove a point but I don’t feel like it can be. I’m switching to something I rarely do anymore: freestyle poetry/prose.

There’s nothing wrong with me that wasn’t there before

It can’t be changed, oh yes I’m quite damn sure

What reasons would you wanna change me for

I’m fucked up in a gorgeous kind of style

So what about the glass in my hand that chimes

It sparkles like diamonds I’ve cut into lines

Breathe them all in before speaking the crimes

Then whisper, “You’ll kill me with a smile”.

I’ll write songs for myself because no one else will

Taking Up My Mind or, I Think Therefore I Plan

I’ve been making a lot of choices lately, which is something that I’ve never been able to do well … at least not on my own. I’m patently indecisive and I’ve always relied on friends, family members, lovers to help me pick where to eat, what to do, and unfortunately who I am. It’s not that I can’t make up my mind, I often have a blaringly clear idea of what I want, but the fear of making the wrong decision is crippling to my psyche. I can’t fully put into words why it is that I am so afraid of “messing up”, but it’s there and I’ve been trying my damndest to find a way to work around it. As always, I’m progressing in baby steps but I can’t help but wonder if the best course of action would be to throw caution to the wind and make choices on whims. I just cannot bring myself to do that, though, and I continue to agonize over every decision I meet; it seems as if the only time I can see fit to abandon all reason is when  passion or lust (or both) is involved, and that rarely ever ends well.

Little by little I will peel away the layers of fear and anxiety that cover and shape me, no longer fearing solidarity, independence, loneliness. I want very much to include those around me, to have them be a part of what unfolds, but I’ve overdone it to the point where it’s difficult to go it alone. So, I have taken a metaphorical vow of silence: I will make my own decisions, I have need to be alone, I will trust instinct and reason, I can do it on my own. It’s like a mantra I can repeat to myself, albeit not a very good one, but it’s a start. I’m not saying that I’m going to become a hermit and cut everyone off, I intend to be the same social butterfly I’ve always been, but one that now is fiercely autonomous, commanding, and self-reliant.

Other small resolutions I have come across include keeping a proficient dream diary (for which I have purchased a really cool notebook that will reside at my bedside), taking up yoga and quitting a lot of unhealthy habits, and always having something to write on/in/with accessible at all times. The last one has already come in handy and I will now transcribe a reflection that I scrawled out yesterday in the wee hours of the morning:

Today I have made an internal vow – an unspoken promise to something I have never felt comfortable naming, but whom most would call the Mother Goddess, the Maiden, the Crone. It’s much more than that, though; it’s an ache, a constant yearning and the feeling as if something is calling you, reaching out to those who know how to listen. I used to know how to listen, or at least I thought that I did, maybe not. I threw it away though, casting aside my beliefs because I felt foolish calling out to Diana, and Brigit, and all of the other names we use to define the energies that surround us. Also, while I’m being candid, I have issues with faith, trust, and commitment for reasons I haven’t even tried to figure out, but I’ve decided to give it another shot, a leap of faith if you will. Still, I struggle with definitions because to call myself pagan means I belong to a religion which is wrong. Being a Witch is a mindset, a belief system at best, but certainly not a religion. I don’t think for one moment that the Goddess is a woman in the clouds looking down over all of us; the Goddess is the clouds, the mountain, the bird, the tides, and the sun and the moon, everything.

I find myself continuously skating on what a wise woman described as the thin layer that divides El Mundo Bueno from El Mundo Malo and I wonder if I have the power needed to keep myself from slipping from the Good Reality into the Bad. Maybe I don’t deserve that power – it’s probably reserved for those who have devoted their lives to being the eyes and ears of nature. But I’m willing to try. This is my vow: to chase the feeling and words which drift down in the rays of sunlight and carry leaves on the wind. I don’t know if I’ll be a healer, a story-teller, maybe a songwriter, poet, or a teacher, but I have promised to renew my studies. I have sworn to be the voice of the Goddess, if she’ll have me; I will study, meditate, ground, spend days with nature, honor my ancestors, perform rituals, learn to reach and read the energy, learn to love. And I will be damn proud of being a Witch.

Blessed Be.

Looking back I can analyze, reflect and wonder if my choice wasn’t influenced by the fact that I was reading my favorite, extremely pagan-centric, novel which was destroyed and replaced recently (maybe that’s symbolic?) at the time. Last night, though, I stepped outside for a smoke, while our D&D group took a short break, and ended up sitting cross-legged on the ground meditating, or at least listening, instead. I heard the sounds of frogs chirping and the quiet hum of traffic, I felt the wind pick up and caress my cheek as I slightly tilted my head towards it, allowing it to sweep over my entire face. I thought to myself that the wind doesn’t care what I do or who I am and will continue to breeze by me simply because that’s what it does. The wind, water, earth, and fire have a Buddha-like serenity with the ability to pass no judgments and merely exist. The wind will gust, the rain will fall, the earth will quake, and the fire will warm no matter what because it’s the very nature of what they are, a wonderful constant, a testament to fortitude and being. Simply being. It is what it is because it is. And so then I realized that I haven’t been able to find my center, call on the energy, or ground is partly because I haven’t let things just be what they are, and partly because I don’t know this land well enough yet. The traditional grounding ritual has you picture yourself as a tree whose roots reach deep down into the earth, pulling up water, energy. And the sun, the fire, shines brightly overhead reaching to touch your branches and fill you with warmth as the air makes you sway to and fro. The problem with this imagery is a matter of locale for me now, and extremely situational; I can’t possibly picture myself as a lush green oak, not here, not now. The power I need to draw on is desert power. (Yeah, I went there, yay!) Truly, though, what I need to picture is a cactus. One of those tall ones that has the most beautiful blooms, but you can’t get too close or you’ll get stuck by the needles. A cactus who survives despite the lack of rainfall, storing each vital drop of water and feeding off of the reserves tucked deep inside. That’s the imagery that will help me ground in such an unfamiliar place, in such an unfamiliar situation. I can look back now and say that I was right and this is the direction I need to head in right now, that there is so much to learn from walking this path that I may very well be overwhelmed at times, but it’s necessary.

In other, less astounding news I have done a LOT in a short amount of time and will try my best to summarize the important events that have occurred in these past few weeks that I have neglected to post about (until now). In no particular order and as brief but concise as possible:

• I discovered an awesome band quite accidentally and I love, love, love them!
• I went to a few classes, courtesy of my awesome job, and learned a ton of really cool things which is something I haven’t had the chance to do in a long time.
• One of the classes provided what are considered my “Top Ten Strengths” and I was tickled with the outcome – it’s so very me.
• Attended the first of hopefully many D&D sessions with an amazing group of co-workers and their significant others and had a freaking blast. Again something I haven’t done in yeaaars.
• I’m officially addicted to Carcassonne. Start memorizing those tiles now!
• Matthew and I are making an epic run-through of the Mass Effect Trilogy!
• Got seriously depressed that my band back home is doing really well. Blah.

I guess that’s about it really, there’s not much else worth sharing and I can wrap this entry up with some song lyrics (not mine), and the predictable yet comforting KITTEH!

One-Eyed Doll – Murder Ballad

Lately I’m feeling cold and lonely
Lately I’m feeling bad
Who made the world so cold and lonely
Who made the world so sad
Who made the world so sad

Last night he said he really loved me
Last night forever began
Tonight I sleep on a tear-stained pillow
Why did I kill my man
Why did I kill my man

I did it for love
I did it cause I knew you’d want it all someday
I did it for love
Murder was the only way
The only way

I was his first
His first obsession
He was my camera man
I could have been with him forever
Why did I kill my man
Why did I kill my man

I did it for love
I did it cause I knew you’d want it all someday
I did it for love
Murder was the only way
The only way

 

Until next time, future minions!

Merry Meet and Merry Part and Merry Meet again.

A Pleasant Reprise or, The Tell-Tale Tweet

Happy #TMITuesday everyone! I hope you’re all ready and willing to get revealing up in here because it’s that time of the week where we all share our nasty little secrets on the interwebs with hundreds of random Tweeple. As the creator of this trending topic, I often feel obligated to go above and beyond what most consider your typical TMI, but I’m going in a different direction this week. I will, of course, share my own TMITuesday tidbit with you all, but first I’m going to share my top five favorite TMITuesday tweets from today, in no particular order:

(For the sake of privacy, even though these will all be public-facing tweets, I will remove the username from the post)

•  I hate pooping while I’m on my period. As if it isn’t enough of a mess down there #tmituesday
• I like long hard sticks of meat #TMITuesday
• Oh God my nose ran a glob of snot straight into my tea before I could react. #tmituesday
• Oh, more #TMITuesday: all three vibrators are dead :c
• 4 years ago today I became a woman #tmituesday

I’ve created a monster and I love it so much! I know it seems silly to be proud of a Twitter trend, but I am extremely thrilled with how big this has become. I can’t say I expected it in the slightest, but I definitely understand why it has caught on like this: people need an outlet to express themselves, especially when the things you want to share aren’t usually what others want to hear about, and so being able to post your TMIs without consequence provides great feelings of freedom and relief. A few weeks ago, when I got back into the fray of TMITuesday, I took a peek at how many other people were still keeping the tradition alive, predicting that a few of the original group would post, and found there were literally hundreds of TMITuesday related updated. Needless to say, I was floored, have a renewed interest and I’m glad it has withstood the test of time. Now, without further ado, my weekly contribution:

“Happy #TMITuesday! I find great satisfaction in popping pimples. Something about squeezing out all of the puss makes me feel accomplished.”

Well, I really didn’t have much to write about today and only wanted to make a post so I could keep up with TMITuesday and to change my blog’s layout. You see, I get bored entirely too easily, hence the slew of unfinished projects and my million-and-one hobbies, so I’ll probably be changing my layout almost as frequently as I change my socks. But, anyway, enjoy the TMI as well as the new (very pink) page design and I’m off to get showered and changed for LADIES NIGHT, what what!

Unfortunately, I don’t have any lyrics for you all tonight, but I’ll unquestionably leave you with your prescribed amount of KITTEH:

The Way We Were or, High School Principles

This blog is quickly turning into a chronicling of parties, booze, and adventures – I’m so proud! I’ll need a template document that starts with “I had another great weekend” at this rate, but I really did have an awesome time these past couple of days.

Ten years ago if someone told me that I’d be well educated, working for a successful company, and surrounded by friends I would have said “Well, d’uh!” If you would have told me that same spiel five years ago, though, my response would have been a scoff and a scowl. Somewhere down the line, I’m sure I could pinpoint the deciding moment if needed, I lost all of my self-esteem and my confidence was reduced to zero. Slowly, but surely, I’m picking up all of the pieces of my fucked up mentality, and rewiring the way I perceive myself. I used to have no issues speaking in crowds, getting up on stage in front of hundreds of people, embarrassing myself and then laughing it off, but when I was in my last band I struggled intensely with stage fright to the point where I’d have to be under the influence to step up to the microphone. I hated being that way and it was an internal battle I found myself steadily losing until I finally decided that enough was enough and I had absolutely no reason to be like that. My solution has been part Fuck It Principle, part forceful socialization with a dash of objectivity, and so far it’s been working wonders.

The motivation behind all of my weekly excursions has been to get back to the place where I was happy, fun to be around, sociable, and had a mess of friends. I was never alone, constantly surrounded by a posse of great people, and always had somewhere to be or something/one to do, and I didn’t realize how much I had missed that lifestyle until I started going out again.

La Vie Boheme! 

Yesterday started with a game of Cards Against Humanity, which I would highly recommend for everyone to go get NOW! If you’ve ever played Apples to Apples it’s like that … but nasty. It’s a vile, vulgar, terrible game and it’s so much fun! Are you still here? WHY? GO GET IT! Seriously, it’s a fantastic card game if you have the right group of people to play with; the game is definitely not for the prudish or faint of heart, but I can’t imagine anyone with those traits reading this blog. After CAH we headed over to my future roomie’s place for a deliciously delectable repast. (Complete with three bottles of wine. Oh, how I loooove my wine!) I had the pleasure to meet a few new people this weekend and I even got to live a bit of my Broadway Dream with one of them as we sang duets from the smash hit musical Rent! Those of you who know me closely are more than aware of my love for musicals, so this was a fantastically unexpected turn of events for me and I had a blast! Heh, here’s a little secret for you and then I’ll get back on topic: I often wish that I could live life as if I were in a musical and randomly break into choreographed song and dance.  Anyway, after dinner, drinks, and display of duets we headed out for more drinks and karaoke! Classy.

Movies, Music, Mass Effect, and Moaning

In other news, Mass Effect 3 comes out tonight and I’m so freaking excited that I’m nearly bursting at the seams. Seriously, I’m on the threshold of having a joygasm for this game. I’m going to have to make a trip to GameStop tomorrow and that’s never a good idea for me; I have a horrible habit of spending a lot of money in that store as I start to think about all of the games I want to get but haven’t had a chance to buy yet. Oh no, look, I’m already doing it … new Sims 3 expansions, Brawl, Skyward Sword, Monster Rancher DS, Kingdoms of Amalur… crap, I’m in trouble.

Well, that’s all for tonight – I’m going to relax at home and watch a movie called “Friends with Benefits” at the suggestion of Schmatt-face. He assures me it’s a good flick so I hope I won’t be wasting two hours of my life. If it is a bad movie I’ll at least get to stare at Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis for a while and that’s always entertaining. Because they’re hot.

Tomorrow is #TMITuesday so prepare to post all of the details you know we don’t want to hear; I’ll be pondering up some information worthy of a cringe or a grimace. I’ll leave you with your usual parting gift of KITTEH, but first the heartfelt lyrics of one of my favorite love songs of all time:

Amanda Blank – Might Like You Better

Might like you better if we slept together

I might like you better baby let’s get together baby
Wanna hold you get to know you
Show you what I got in my sweater baby
Love the red hair, the bitch in charge
If we settle on it boy I’ll make you see stars
Get large, get hard, go fuck, go far
When I touch it, watch it fuck, see my money and my-
Ride, no lie, just get inside me
Like you better if you just ride me
Grind me, try me, watch me finish
I like you better if you get up in it

Might like you better if we slept together
Together

I’ve been waiting on it don’t take too long
Don’t waste my time just take me home
I got something for you believe it’s sweet
Let’s go, I moan like a cat in heat
Go, go, go, go, get low and blow
Gonna give you something to grab and hold
When I know how you grow
I get you though
Cheap chick, tantric
Get off real slow
Cause yeah baby I got what ya need
Don’t fuck with them chicks, just fuck with me
When we’re done we can quit it, we don’t need to go together
Just let me hit it once and let me hit it once and let me hit it…

I might like you better if we slept together
Just take me home

I always wear a gold bow on my head when I go to parties, too.

Until next time, future minions!

<3

Jerkin, Jerkin, Jerkin. Blinded! Help me out! or, Accost In Translation

Hello everyone! This is going to be a small post, as far as my standards are concerned, and I’m afraid to tell you that it won’t begin with pleasant overtones. You see, a few years back I lost a main hard drive to my computer; it was a total failure with no chance of recovery despite my trying as many methods as possible. I thought to myself, “Self, don’t worry. Most of the important things on the drive were backed up, safe and sound, and I’m sure there’s nothing on there that can’t be replaced.” Well, I was wrong and today, as I contemplated ideas for this post, I decided that I’d bring a little more nostalgia to this page and share with you some of the adventures I had on the Seraph server of FFXI via screenshots I’d collected over the four+ years I roamed Vana’diel. And then it dawned on me: I had all of those pictures on that failed drive… shit.

So, I regret to inform you, there will be no screenshots of Dynamis wipes, the bucket collection that I proudly displayed in my Mog House, no adventures in Sky, no glorious displays of ratting out Gil Sellers to GMs, no proof whatsoever that I accomplished anything at all. Siiiiiigh. Oh well, I suppose the Gods of Gaming work in mysterious ways.

I can, however, leave you with something just as good that always sparks up fond memories of life in the Good ‘Ole Days of FFXI. I give you, The Adventures of Prufrock and Finsternis:

Episode One

Episode Two

Episode Three

I am Jack’s Inner Sadomasochist

Since it’s officially TMITuesday I’ll give y’all an extra dose this week, but only because you behaved so well on the car ride home.

“Happy #TMITuesday! Here’s a good one: I find it quite kinky to record sexual encounters. Homemade porn for the win! Now, you show me yours.”

There you have it! Not embarrassing in the slightest, I swear. Anyway, now that we’ve done that bit, we can move on to bigger and brighter things.

Coming Attractions (It Stinks!)

I can’t give you a timeline or even promise that I’ll write about it for quite some time, but there are big changes in store. Expect to see many differences in the coming months that include, but aren’t limited to: greater explanation of the “FIP” and it’s many applications, a plethora of additional content on this blog, new layouts/designs for this page and a few others, an emotional shift toward normalcy (don’t worry, I’ll still be the same crazy gal, just happier), and much, much more! Stay tuned!

I must leave you all now for the land of slumber… seeing as I do have to work tonight. I told you this would be a short post; I’ll make up for it another time. Without further ado, the moment you all wait with baited breath for: KITTEH!

Until next time, future minions!

Lasting Memories or, Hey Remember That One Time…

Let me start by wholeheartedly apologizing for missing out on TMITuesday this week, but I assure you I had good reason to do so. Without documenting each event that took place over my weekend and filling this post with sentimental memories made, I’ll describe my adventures in a nutshell:

Sunday I got to hang out with friends and even made some new ones over a rousing game of Arkham Horror which, to my chagrin, we won. For those who have never played, or are generally unfamiliar with the Lovecraft mythos, barely surviving with sanity intact is improbable, succeeding is damn near impossible. Speaking of Lovecraft, I have a random little snippet of awesome to share with y’all:

The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society

That, my friends, is the Miskatonic University Library Book Conversion Kit and I’ve always wanted to use this on my library at home but have never gotten around to actually printing it all out and taking the time to catalog my books. There ya go, my gift to you from the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society. And now we return you to the post already in progress…

After an evening of fun and games I headed home for some much needed sleep to rest up for the many adventures to follow. Monday started off normally enough, despite my decision to kill time by watching what could easily be labelled as the “worst possible film choice for someone in my current emotional state ever”. Ever. Ahh, The Notebook. The sappiest, most beautifully romantic, “as if” movie I think I have ever seen in my entire life and yet I can’t seem to pull myself away from the subtle imagery, the glorious story of true love. (That the main characters are played by actors I find to be ridiculously attractive doesn’t hurt either.) The fact of the matter is, even though I don’t believe in a million years that something so serendipitous could ever happen, I still like to see what destiny would look like if it existed. Thankfully, I was rescued from the inevitable bawling that follows the denoument of the film for an inpromptu journey to Austin.

Having spent an amazing Lundi Gras with fantastic friends I went home to rest and reflect on what I’ve been missing out on for a long time now. That contemplation, however, was shortlived and I was off on the next quest for fun with the same awesome companions. We laughed, danced, explored, played like kids; we drank, sang, and made (for me) lasting memories. Tuesday was another day jam-packed with excitement, entertainment, and inebriation – but I won’t go into detail this time since this blog isn’t about the daily things that happen in my life so much as it’s about how I feel when these things happen. Already I feel as if this post is slightly shallow, lacking, and dry…

It’s not that the things I’ve done this week are in any way subpar, but when I write them out in timeline fashion, ignoring minor details, skimming over what made it special in order to get the gist of my day across it seems as if the post isn’t as good as it could be. I don’t mind writing this way … it’s just not me. That being said, I’m going to leave it at “I had a wonderful week”. The best week, really.

Flash Forward

It’s taken me a few days to write this pitifully lacking excuse for a blog entry and right now, as I type this, I am finishing up one of the most sluggish work weeks I’ve experienced here at my new job. I’ll be leaving work soon and hitting the road to Houston right away for another weekend away which will hopefully prove to be a worthy distraction. These past few days I have found that, if I let my mind wander, it strays too far for my comfort level and so the more distractions I can find the better I’ll be.

One ‘Mo ‘Gain

And I’m back from Houston and still haven’t posted this blog; I’m really hitting the ground running with that whole “updating once a week” resoluton. </sarcasm> I had another amazing weekend and, despite not getting my blog post finished in time to meet what would have been the one-week mark, I’ve made considerable “life” progress and thusly I have shirked my blogging responsibilities for matters of the heart which are of a much greater importance than self-imposed deadlines. I thought that finding myself again, after so many years of swallowing my inner voice (that sounds painful), would be a difficult task. Turns out all I needed were a few good friends and a chance to shine. Who knew? I have come so far in so little time that the people I am around frequently have noticed, even commented on, how radically different I have been these past few weeks. It’s almost as if I am happy, though I can’t say for certain, but it feels much better than the mopey, moody, malcontent mien I so often sported. Finally, after what seems like a lifetime, I am doing all of the things I want to do and it’s like an addiction slowly creeping it’s way in until I won’t be able to resist having fun. Soon I won’t shy away from trying new things just because they frighten me, I won’t make decisions based soley upon which outcomes seem least risky, and I will most assuredly always make the most of each and every situation I encounter. Eventually. For now I am content with the progress I am making, albeit baby steps in comparison to some of the more outgoing and fun-loving people I have had the best fortune and honor of meeting, and will to continue to push forward in the hopes that one day I can live my life to the very fullest. Hell, I want my glass to overflow.

The Mind of a Muse

In other news, all of this fresh air and exploration must have sparked my muse, for which I will always be grateful, and I have decided to finish a story for once. I am nearly infamous for not seeing things through to the end: I have had innumerable hobbies and interests, I will start a project only to get disinterested a short while later and will pick it back up months down the line with renewed enthusiasm, and I have started many a video game, played it for hours on end, got to what I suspect to be close to the end of the game, and then I set it down never to play again. I don’t know if I have this great, unresolved fear of commitment, or if the fear lies in seeing something I’m enjoying come to an end, but either way I’m alright with this habit until it interferes with my writing. When it comes to my fictional works I get easily discouraged and I find myself up against the Writer’s Block more often than not. What drives me absolutely bonkers is that it’s never a lack of ideas that stops me from writing; what stops me is the frustration that I develop when I pour over every word wondering why I even bother to write at all. Just like most things in my life, I overanalyze to the point of agony and then I give up. I started to realize that I was holding myself back, which I often do, but I have decided that when it comes to my stories I can’t afford any more reservations.

A long time ago, a good friend once told me that my dreams would make an excellent TV, comic, or book series and that I should entertain the idea of working to get them published. I struggled for a while to figure out a way in which I could introduce my dreams to a format that wouldn’t seem unattached or hollow and never came up with a worthy plan. Recently, the suggestion that my dreams would make for a decent read was once again presented and I simply can’t ignore the notion that maybe someone out there really would delight in reading what I have to write. But, for the second time, I was daunted with the thought of how to turn my dreams into something coherent and easy to follow. And then something happened: I let go and started to have fun and there it was, standing right in front of me, staring me dead in the face. It’s a very plain, simple, clear, and concise plan and I’m ashamed to admit that I hadn’t thought of it sooner. You see, about eight or nine years ago I began work on a story that kind of blindsided me by nearly writing itself; when I started to type the first paragraph the rest just poured out in waves until the second third chapter. That’s when I started to nitpick and, long story short, I set it aside, gave up, and haven’t touched it since. The point, though, is that one of the focal points of this castaway novelette is the main character’s lucid dreams and I could think of no better way to integrate my own dreams into a piece of literature than through this character. To me it’s so simplistic a solution that it borders on brilliant and of all the stories I’ve abandoned I have always wanted to finish this particular one the most. There are many things that I really like about this story, too, from the overall tone to the dreary imagery it paints, but what I am really fond of is our protagonist and the purposeful ambiguity that surrounds her. I’ve left her almost completely devoid of physical description preferring to let her actions and thoughts illustrate the character while managing to delineate everything else. But I digress…

As soon as I upload this post, then proofread and correct errors, I promise to work on another entry for my dream diary… when I can figure out which dream I’d like to write about. It’s a shame I didn’t keep up with the one I had began years ago because a lot of the really good dreams have started to get foggy over the passage of time (and drugs). Regardless, I will squeeze every ounce of each dream out onto these pages if it’s the last thing I do. I guess I’ll need to add another page to my blog that will be used to house the story I’ve so confidently boasted about…

Shameless Purchases and Plugs

In other, more material news, I got a new phone and I love it! A big thank you to Josh, my Sprint sales representative, who did a stellar job at hooking me up with everything I wanted. It’s very rare that I go into a store with my list and get exactly what I want without any type of upsale or pitch.  </plug>

Before I wrap this up I’m going to leave you with something old, something new, something borrowed, and something cute:

The Old

Way back when, and I’m talking Livejournal days, I had this tradition of ending each post with lyrics of a song that meant something to me at that time, for whatever reason. I’m not saying that every entry from here on out is going to contain song lyrics, but this one will. I discovered this song on Glee (I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Glee-aholic) and it has inadvertently become my new anthem. Trust me; it is leagues above my previous theme song: (Gym Class Heroes – The Queen and I) Without further ado, I give you “We Are Young” by Fun.:

Girl give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking bout a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun (x2)

Now I know that I’m not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a toast
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun (x2)

Carry me home tonight
Just carry me home tonight (x2)

The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun (x2)

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight

The New

So this was a hard one to decide on, but I had to keep that whole old/new/borrowed/blue thing as intact as possible, and considering I already changed “blue” to “cute” I figured that if I strayed further from the theme it would lose meaning entirely. Right, so something new. Ok, how about this? I will write a couple of lines of poetry off of the top of my head. It will be akin to my Rapping Presents, but with a touch more structure:

Impossible is standing still when they tell you not to move
Passing up a surefire bet when you’ve nothing left to lose
And dreaming dreams of fancy things
While easing open wounds.

Impossible is letting go when you fear the falling down
Loving ‘til your heart’s so full you feel like you may drown
And singing songs of memories
Without making a sound.

Impossible’s forgetting when you’ve planted roots so deep
Discarding things you gave to me I never meant to keep
And thinking thoughts of fantasies
As I try hard to sleep.
And planning plans so whimsically
As I try hard to sleep.

There you have it, purely random and made up on the spot. Eh, they say to write what you know…

The Borrowed

I wasn’t exactly sure what to put here since, technically, both the lyrics and the picture that ends this post were both borrowed in every sense of the word. I couldn’t just cop out and post more pictures or lyrics, well I could but that would be ultra lame. Taking the high road doesn’t leave me many options, though, and so I found myself hard-pressed to find something worthy of my blog (ha!) that wasn’t a cheap solution. What I came up with is a mix between easy answer and creative reasoning so humor me and stretch a little as I attempt to “borrow” these links to share with you all:

Websites I Frequent Worth Sharing

Bukkit – My home for everything I need to smoothly run an inventive and easily manageable Minecraft server.

Questionable Content – What I believe to be, though it could be wildly popular, a fairly obscure webcomic that’s updated each business day and follows a not-so-average gang of twenty-somethings in an alternate world in which we’ve progressed a bit further technologically.

Drama Fever – A one-stop destination for all things Korean Drama related.

Neopets – Neopets, aaah, pretty self-explanatory, but I might add that I love my Neopets dearly.

Last.fm – This is where I track the music that I listen to and you can often tell what type of mood I’m in by the trends of my selections. For example, if you were to check my “Recently Listened Tracks” right now you’d see a slew of Lady Gaga which translates into an energetic, creative, and independent demeanor.

Maangchi – Korean food recipes. ‘Nuff said.

Brick Show – Now, I’m not entirely sure how many sites are out there dedicated to posting video reviews of Lego sets, but this one has got to be the best.

The Cute

Any subscriber to my blog shouldn’t have any trouble guessing what will fall under this category: KITTEH!

That’s all for now, folks, and I do hope that you enjoyed reading. Oh, I almost forgot! My belated TMITuesday post (though now that it’s Monday I’ll be apt to post another tomorrow):

“Early or late?I fall a lot easier than I let on, but have more than enough self-control to never act on it. Ever. #TMITuesday #belated”

Since you’ve already had your dose of KITTEH I suppose that’s all she wrote.

Until next time, future minions!

With unconditional love from the (self-proclaimed) Queen of the Nerds™,

Candace <3

P.S. I still smell like the campfire and it is intoxicating. Mmm…

What Dreams May Come or, A Brief In The Night

Having lived for years on both coasts, East and West, one would assume that I have spent a good portion of my life on the beach; while I have had many a memory with the sand and shore (another story!), it would be safe to say that most of my childhood adventuring was done in the wooded areas that inevitably surrounded each neighborhood I inhabited. As a kid I would wander for hours and hours through the same tree-filled lot hoping desperately that the next turn I’d take would plunge me headfirst into some enchanted forest where I would be tasked to save the Kingdom and return the land to peace with the aid of my new-found magical powers. My early teens were about the same but with less hope and more desperation. Now that I’m an adult I don’t find much time to run off in search of mythical places, though I can honestly say that a part of me truly wants Narnia to be hidden in the back of a wardrobe somewhere. I don’t know whether I can blame my years with my nose buried deep inside any novel with a dragon on the cover, or the internal artistic longing for any fantastical event to break the mundane cycle of daily life, but what I can, and do, blame is me for becoming attached to an intangible, unrealistic notion.

To this very day, even though I’m a grown ass woman and should know better, I allow myself to be deeply unsettled by such an occurrence as dreaming. There are a few people, whom I have known for years, with which I frequently share these dreams and so they understand where I’m coming from when I say that the dreams I have are not to be considered common. Not only do I have extremely vivid, detailed, and haunting dreams, but I often find there are a few recurring dreams, and they all feel real. There are mornings when I wake up unsure of where or when I am, overwhelmed with feelings of loss, wistfulness, bewilderment. There are days, after one of the more profound dreams, where I’m in a sort of melancholy limbo and all I’m capable of is wandering back to the images I’d seen. Deciphering, debating, wondering… there’s this empty space inside as if I’m missing something but I can’t for the life of me recall what it is. When I’m dreaming it seems as if I’m closer to finding it; closer and closer and closer. And then I’m awake. And it’s gone.

Why do I care about my dreams? What is it that makes these nightly visions leave me feeling hollow? Well, for some reason, there’s a voice inside of me that says, “What if these dreams, these feelings, they’re all a sign that something is out there, waiting. You have to find it.” (Not a literal voice, mind you – I’m eccentric, not crazy.) This voice, it’s like an ache or a nagging little tick in the back of your brain that reminds you that you’ve forgotten something but won’t tell you what it is you’ve forgotten. “Figure it out,” it taunts, “it’s a riddle to be solved, a puzzle to assemble.” Making matters extreme are the years and yeaaars I spent with my friends, the Fantasy Novels, who argue against my logical side and persist that all of these things, and more, are plausible. It’s a struggle I’ve been fighting for a long time now, preparing myself for that cold, hard let-down, but it’s difficult to win a war that you don’t really want to end.

Updates Abound and the Exciting Return of a Tradition

Since I’m doing a decent job at keeping up on my writing, even if it’s only been two days, I think I’ll add a section for keeping track of noteworthy dreams simply for the sake of my own sanity, if nothing else. And with that I’ll strive towards weekly posts and perhaps a few more page banners to alternate between. My previous post has received more hits than any other recent entry and thusly I will work my hardest to give y’all what you want: more whining. In all seriousness, I’ll back away from the sentimental side next time and perhaps I’ll have some new, or old, poetry to share. That’ll be fun! </sarcasm>

Buuuuut, I can’t go any further without formally reintroducing a tradition that graced my social media circle for many a month before taking on a life of it’s own: T.M.I Tuesday! I know this is coming a day late, but the thought is there and, from what I hear, that’s all that counts. The first half of this post was part of my #TMITuesday contribution and now I’ll follow up in the typical, 140 characters-or-lessfewer, fashion that we all know and love:

“#TMITuesday better late than never! In the cold months I don’t shave my legs. Were I to wear shorts I’d look like a Sasquatch. In shorts.”

#TMITuesday is back bitches so, next week, I expect to see all of your dark, dirty secrets out in the open! As always, I’ll leave you with your dose of KITTEH and you leave me with that gold you’ve been promising! I know where you live!

Until next time, future minions!